fun stuff: are you ready to have kids?
1. The Mess Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish finger behind the couch and leave it there all summer.2. The Toy Test:
Obtain a 500-litre box of Lego. (If Lego is not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)3. The Supermarket Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you to the supermarket. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.4. The Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live opctopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.5. The Feeding Test:
Obtain a large, plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swingeing. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an aeroplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.6. The Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and filling it with 4 - 6 kilos of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to hum and waltz with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.7. The Physical Test (Women):
Obtain a large beanbag and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.8. The Final Assignment:
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest any ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
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